Alright…I’ve had it!

I’ve been, “Back in the day-ed”, one too many times.

It’s time for some new crutch phrases, please.

Ya know what I’m sayin’? Whoops, that’s the worst one.

Listen to MTV or BET and you can’t go two minutes without hearing, “Ya know what I’m sayin’?”. Or talk to anyone under, say, 35 and you’re likely to be asked that a lot during conversation. “You know what I’m sayin’?”.

NO! I don’t know what you’re saying because you’re speaking in a new form of Pigeon English that is increasingly hard to understand. Hey, I’m just keeping it real here.

Honestly, watch Mike Judge’s film Idiocrasy and you’ll see where we’re headed and more quickly than five hundred years.

Some how we have successfully navigated away from, “Talk to the hand” and “Don’t go there”. But we need to go further.

I really don’t want to, “Get all up in that” and I don’t want to “Get down on it”.

I don’t want to hit that or tap that.

I don’t want to hear any more Old Skool anything and I especially don’t care that, “It’s all good”.

It’s not just street talk that’s overused either, white collar office types are abundant with worn out words as well.

“Too much information” has been used way too many times and if I hear once more in a “creative” session to think outside the box I’m gonna put someone in a box.

If you want to inspire someone to be so freakin’ creative then YOU come up with a better way of saying, “I have no ideas and no creative input” except, “People, let’s think outside the box here”.

Are you picking up what I’m laying down? Groovy!

www.michaelontheair.com

This past Monday was the birth date of a great man. A man I admired from the time I was a youngster and still do. A man that I finally had the chance to meet and work with in 1983.

That man was Bob Smith, or more formally Robert Westin Smith.

Bob Smith was born January 21, 1938 in Brooklyn, NY, this past Monday would have been his 70^th birthday, but we lost Bob in 1995 when he was only 57 years old.

Bob Smith has been featured in film, television, recordings and radio. He had legions of fans who had never seen his face but they fell in love with him through the medium that he loved and I might add, loved him as well…radio.

I should probably mention that Bob Smith was better known as Wolfman Jack.

The Wolfman was flat out cool, that voice, the howl and that gritty giggle, what a talent.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am huge Wolfman Jack fan. His part in American Graffiti is somewhat responsible for me getting into radio. The bit with him at the radio station, eating popsicles, as a very young Richard Dreyfuss, as Kurt, comes to make a request is pure magic.

In 1983 I was working in Los Angeles for Greater Media which owned H-HITS FM. Greater Media wanted an AM station to sell in combo with then FM so they bought long time AM rocker KRLA. Included in the deal were radio legends The Real Don Steele, Humble Harve, Johnny Hays and Wolfman Freakin’ Jack. Are you kidding me?

I’m gonna be working across the glass form The Wolfman?!?!?! WOW!!!

When I met him he had “blossomed”, by that I mean he was about as wide as he was tall. He was wearing jeans, a black leather vest and a blue jean cowboy hat with a big giant feather headband. He was as cool as I had hoped and friendly too. I don’t remember what it was but I said something to him that made him laugh and he actually laughed the Wolfman laugh, how cool is that?

I never saw him again after I left K-HITS in 1985 but I think of him often and am so grateful to have had the opportunity to meet him and work with him.

Wolfman Jack…one of a kind, one of the last of a dying breed and flat out cool.

Here are a couple of great Wolfman Jack links:

The Wolfman Jack Online Museum

Wolfman Jack Radio Program.

www.michaelontheair.com

In cased you missed it or thought you misread it,

I’ll say it again…

I HATE THE COLOREDS!

What? How can you say such a thing? This is an outrage!

Well, it’s just my opinion and I’m entitled to it, right?

I hate the colored Andy Griffith Shows, it’s a fact.

I love, I mean L-O-V-E, LOVE, the B&W Andy Griffith Show.

No matter how many times I’ve seen a particular episode I am enthralled each time. I feel like I am there and I really care about those people and what happens to them.

BUT…after the fifth season when they started producing the show in color something happened…something bad.

Yes…you’ve read my mind…Howard Sprauge showed up.

And with the arrival of his namby pamby
smarty pants attitude the
charm of Mayberry left, in glorious color.
I hate the coloreds. I am not alone.

I have a friend, Kera O’Bryon, she and her husband, Christian, are big fans of B&W Andy too…but they as well can’t stand the color Andys and cringe at the sight of Howard.

The Andy Griffith Show premiered on CBS in October 1963 when I was eight years old. In my memory Andy, Opie, Barney, “Aint” Bee, Gomer, Otis & Floyd have always been there.

And they are still there…in my dinning room hutch, top and center is Aunt Bee’s Mayberry Cookbook, on the wall of my office is an autographed picture of Andy & Barney.

In my neighborhood when my neighbors Dawn, Danny, Misty or I call out to one another we do so with a loud refrain of, “Hooty….Whoooooooooo”, the call of the Red Crested Web Footed Lake Loon, from the episode Back to Nature when Barney is lost in the woods with Gomer.

I had a friend once who casually said to me, “My pant leg went all Andy Griffith on me.” I knew exactly what she was talking about, if you don’t understand…it’s a boot thing.

I live in the Carolinas, where each fall Mt. Airy, NC (the real inspiration for Mayberry) hosts Mayberry Days and there is a Mayberry Sheriff’s car that patrols around my neighborhood sometimes.

To my delight and good fortune, I have met Don Knotts, Ron Howard, Howard Morris (Ernest T. Bass), Betty Lyn (Thelma Lou), Hal Smith (Otis) and Elinore Donahue (Miss Ellie).

You can spend hours on the web discovering Mayberry information, here’s one of the coolest things I’ve found. The actual outdoor set of Mayberry which was known as Forty Acres.

Each link will take you to another and another…enjoy.

These characters will live within me for as long as I do and I’m grateful for their hours company, so many laughs and yes a few tears as well.

I love the b&w Andy Griffith Show…But…well, you know the rest.

“But don’t the trees seem nice and full”
Andy Taylor
Opie the Birdman, Episode 101, aired September 30, 1963

www.michaelontheair.com

Who won the San Diego – Indianapolis game?
I don’t know because my TIVO is an idiot!

What happened on Monk Friday night?
I don’t know because my TIVO is an idiot!

I did my part…I looked the game up on the schedule
hit the handy red record button for the program

NFL Football , San Diego @ Indianapolis…cool right?
NO…because the game went past the 3hours and 30 minutes
in the schedule grid and my TIVO stopped recording with several
minutes left in the game.

Why? Because my TIVO is an idiot.

Did Monk and Natalie solve the latest caper while driving Captain Stottlemeyer and Randy slightly koo koo?

I don’t know because my TIVO is an idiot!

My TIVO said “Monk” on the Playing Now list but it wasn’t Monk,
it was the show that came on before Monk.

I know that you’re probably saying there’s only one idiot in my
household and his name isn’t TIVO and that operator error is
most likely to blame.

Oh contraire, being a fan of Monk I am very Monkish in some ways
and one of those ways is being meticulous in the extra curricular reading
of owner’s manuals and instruction booklets.

NOWHERE in the TIVO manual does it mention that I have to out
think the TIVO and add the program after the one I want recorded,
“just in case”. I figured that one out on my own.

And while I’m on a TIVO harangue, TIVO keep your opinions to
yourself.

Just because I want to watch the football game does not
mean that I also want to watch the badminton playoffs from Jolly Ole England.

One final thought, the makers of TIVO are idiots too. Did you hear that TIVO was miffed that everyone was using their product name as the generic term for DVRing a program? As in, “I TIVOed the game but haven’t watched it yet”?

They sent word out that talk shows and the like that they were not to use TIVOed any more.
Are you kidding me?

Have they not seen the success of the brand names
that have become the generic term for products?

Kleenex and Coke to name a couple.

Oh well, I’m going to go set my DVR to record the presidential debate and the
three programs after it, just in case.

Because as you now know…my DVR is an idiot!

www.michaelontheair.com

I think most of us will agree the GWB has been a bit of a disappointment. Some will say the worst president ever, while others still feel the love for him.

I fall somewhere in the middle. I don’t like some of the decisions he’s made, I think he’s stubborn and has listened to some really bad advice. But on the other hand I don’t think he lied to me either. I also think that W is, both not as nice, nor not as stupid as many will say he is.

I find it interesting that those who argue so vehemently that the President pulled the wool over the eyes of the whole world, including some of the great thinkers of our time are also the same ones who say that George W. Bush is so stupid that he can’t tie his own shoes.

Yes, I’m talking to you Bill Maher. I’m a big fan of yours but the constant, “I hate Bush” and “Bush is stupid” drivel that you have stooped to is unfunny, not entertaining at all and quite honestly below you. I believe you have more talent and more intelligent things to say than that.

Come on friends, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t say on one hand that he is dumber than rocks then on the other say that he masterminded not only the take down of the World Trade Towers but then somehow fooled the whole world into believing his made up evidence, which would be pretty brilliant when you think about the scope of such an undertaking.

However, George Bush is yesterday’s news, we now look toward a new occupant in the White House. And it’s getting fun.

Here is why I watch with joyful glee.

The far left of this country, including Hollywood and a lot of the print and broadcast media seem to have come to the conclusion that there will be a Democrat in the White House but they’re not sure which one yet, well except for NBC who has done everything but make Brian Williams put on a short cheerleader skirt and yell, “Obama, Obama he’s my man”, at the top of his nightly newscast, with Merideth, Al and Matt waving Pom Poms behind him.

The shoe in, Billary Cinton, stumbled in Iowa then recovered
in NH, or did she? A careful look at the delegate count, courtesy of CNN will show you that Billary and Don’t Tell Mama I’m for Obama tied in New Hampshire with 9 delegates each.

And now our first, self proclaimed, “black” president, Slick Willy, has the black population, mad at him for saying that the whole Obama phenomenon is the biggest fairy tale he’s ever seen. Meanwhile, his other half, Bill Junior, has the same folks mad at her for saying that Marty King has less to do with the Civil Rights Movement taking hold than Lyndon Johnson did.

Weeeeeeeeee!!!

Uh oh, perhaps that was a bit too Howard Dean, sorry. I mean hold on it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

www.michaelontheair.com

I spend quite a bit of time traveling and that means quite a bit on time on airplanes and in airports.

Here are some tips to help make your travel and in turn MY travel a much more pleasant experience.

The weather is not the airlines fault. If, while checking in, you are told that your flight is delayed because of weather, no amount of whining, pouting or temper tantrums will change these circumstances.

The more you raise your voice, threaten legal action or ask loudly, “Do you know who you are dealing with?”, the more stupid you look.

When the weather clears you and the other 200 to 200,000 people who have been
inconvenienced will be on their way.

This next guy is usually the same one who was yammering at the check-in counter.

Mr. I like to talk really loud on my cell phone.

Hey, nobody cares what your 2^nd quarter projections are, where you are eating tonight or who is picking you up in Orlando. Pipe the freak down.

Extra moron points go to the cyborgs who now insist on wearing their cell phones on the side of their heads. Please don’t stand right next to me and ask what time it is, then look at me like I’m a jerk for answering because I didn’t know that you had that space age leach thingy attached to the other side of your face.

The boarding process is fairly easy to understand; disabled and special needs passengers go first, followed by first class, then club members and after that the rest of us board as part of groups, usually, one through six.

Please tell me how the announcement, “At this time we’ll begin boarding special
needs passengers”, translates to, EVERYBODY rush the gate and crowd around
so nobody can get through?

If you’re in group three calmly wait to hear the announcement, “Group three may now board”. The plane isn’t going to leave with out you, even though it probably should.

Attention mouth breathers, if you’re going to sleep on the plane please bring some
Tic Tacs. When you fall to sleep and your melon drops to the side your gaping mouth is only about 10 inches from my face and even closer to my protruding nose.

That stench coming from your pie hole, as my Dad says, could gag a maggot. If you don’t bring Tic Tacs, I’ll drop one of my own in there, AGAIN! That includes you Princess Perfect who can’t figure out the difference between seat A29 and F26.

Finally, when we get to our destination and we go to pick up our bags, I’ve made mine pretty easy to identify, I put a white hair scrunchy on the handle.

Many people do the same thing. There is luggage with big red ribbons, some have blue yarn while others have a yellow bandanas, all to make that bag easy to identify to the owner.

If you didn’t put a ribbon, yarn, bandana or some other identifier on YOUR luggage, one didn’t grow there during the plane trip between Dallas and Charlotte. But there he is, Mr. Cyborg, ear thingy, on the phone, talking too loud, mouth breather, picking up every bag that passes by to read the airline tag. He says to no one in particular, “These darn black bags, they all look the same”.

Yeah, except for the big pink scarf you had to move out of the way to read the tag to see that the bag was not yours.

So, this travel season when you come to the airport bring your manners, an extra helping of patience and for goodness sake DO NOT FORGET THE TIC TACS.

www.michaelontheair.com

ChapStick. I don’t get it, and I mean that literally, I don’t get it. I have never, ever bought a stick of ChapStick. I have never felt the need to buy ChapStick, but those who do buy it, buy a lot of it.

And that about sums up my theory on ChapStick, using ChapStick causes you to need to use ChapStick, period.

It’s brilliant really, from a marketing standpoint, make a consumable product that when used properly causes the user to NEED more of the product. Every good drug pusher uses the same marketing model.

Same goes for Chiropractors, I’ve never been to a Quack-a-practor, uh um, sorry,
Chiropractor. I don’t see anything wrong with going, when you really need to, like after an auto accident or some sort of injury. But I have friend who goes all the time to get readjusted or realigned, why?

He explained to me why, “You see Michael, after a week or so of walking around, tying your shoes and getting in and out of cars, who knows how many times, your body tends to get out of alignment.”, How come mine doesn’t?, blank stare, “You just don’t understand”. He then licked his lips and reached for his ChapStick.

I think I do understand, going to the Chiropractor gets you back into perfect skeletal alignment and as you walk out the door, your body, your unique, customized, one of a kind body starts trying to get back into it’s normal, NATURAL, state, ¦you’re well on your way to needing your next alignment.

www.michaelontheair.com

I had the opportunity to direct Garry in many video shoots for Earthlink, what a joy. He was very, very easy going, great to work with and always knew his lines, which was a real bonus because he didn’t like to do second takes.

He was usually up for almost anything, “Here Garry wear this shirt”, or “Garry, could you say it this way?”, was most often met with the response, “Whatever you need”.

Garry had a great head of hair and one of my favorite bits that we did with him was to show him in a video with a fake bald head, Garry had challenged Earthlink employees to reach a goal and if they reached that goal he would shave his head.

I always enjoyed listening to Garry speak because he had one of those very cool, southern gentleman accents. Not the southern hick you hear on television and in movies but the REAL southern accent.

And while I didn’t work side by side with him on a daily basis he seemed to be very well liked, by not only his immediate staff, but also by the entire Earthlink crew. You didn’t hear Betty Bashing in the hallways.

My sincere condolences to Kathy and the rest of the family, I shed a tear with you. God Bless.

www.michaelontheair.com

This year I turn 52 and while not really all that old, still old enough to be standing at the crossroads of Hip and Doofus. It looks like I’m going to go ahead and boogaloo down Doofus Lane.

I read this list this morning in the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving/features/2007/in-out-list/

Yes, the list of what’s in and what’s out for the New Year and you know what? I only get a little more than half the list and the other part I disagree with. So, here I stand, in my Doc Martins, the new Beck CD in one hand and the new Beatles CD, Love, in the other and wonder just when, exactly, did I stop being cool.

I don’t mind not being cool anymore; it really doesn’t matter to me. In fact there’s not much in the world more embarrassing that an old coot trying to cling onto cool.

I guess the best thing that us aging baby boomers can do is to grow old gracefully. Yes, you heard me right fellow 60s generation, we’re all getting older, fast, and there’s nothing we can do about it other than to be “cool” through the process.

I like a lot of new, hip, cool things. I have an iPod, I write this Blog and I still watch Saturday Night Live. But the difference is that next week my iPod might fall out of being cool and hip or Blogs could become passe and I wouldn’t know it. I’m not living in that young, hip, stream of consciousness anymore. Heck, I don’t even know if cool and hip are cool and hip words these days, my guess is that they are not.

I try very hard not to live in the past and truly try to simply enjoy the moment at hand. I kick myself when I say things to my 15 year old son like, “Do you know how much I paid for a gallon of gas the first time I bought it”? He doesn’t care, it’s not interesting to him, it’s just me living in the past, a bad place to be if you ask me.

So, fellow baby boomers, grab your canes, pull up your Depends, turn on your hearing aids and walk, or run if you still can, down Doofus Lane with me, proudly. Let’s leave youth to the young, we’ve had our day, it’s their turn now.

Our job is to support them, guide them if they ask us to and to laugh our old fool heads off at how stupid they look in those jeans with the crotch dragging the ground, how idiotic a young adult looks in a baseball cap turn backwards or worse yet half way around. How bad their music and culture is, wonder how this generation will ever run the world and just in general have no respect for their point of view or the things they see as valuable.

And we will do all these things just like our parents did to us, remember? That was about the same time you said to yourself, or out loud, I will never treat my kids this way.

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, we crossed over to that place where we promised ourselves we would never go. We grew up, we left youth behind, we shed our “cool” and became the older generation. And that’s the way God planned it.

www.michaelontheair.com

I’m tired of all the excuses, all of the, it’s not my fault andI was going to BUT, I’ll try and all the rest. You’ve had them used on you and at some point, if we’re being honest here, you’ve probably used a few yourself.

It’s convenient and oh so easy to do, late for a meeting?, I’m stuck in traffic works great. Don’t want to go to a party or gathering?, Uh, I have to work that day or I can’t get a babysitter are superb little white lies.

And really who gets hurt by those little white lies? You do, that’s right YOU! You’re compromising yourself, your good name and your reputation. Plus, when you tell one of those tiny little fibs you often have to embellish it later and drag others into the deceit, not fair.

How many times has the phone rung and as you go to answer it someone in the room whispers, I’m not here. Then you’re left holding the bag and are forced to lie. Lying is bad enough but forcing someone else to lie for you is rotten.

So when did all of this lying become so hip and mainstream?

Many will say Bill Clinton, ushered us into this uncouth season, when he pounded his fist on that podium, glared into the camera and lied to the whole world about Monica Lewinsky. Imagine that? Now, I know all of us have told a lie at some point, to some one, but to lie to the whole world at once with a straight face? That’s a special kind of liar.

It’s funny that the same people who supported President Clinton’s right to lie are the same people who are so upset at George Bush for lying to the American people about WMDs, go figure.

So how about this for a crazy idea? As we ring in the New Year, let’s bring it in with truthfulness, honesty and integrity. If every American told not one lie this coming year, imagine how crime would drop, how your interpersonal relationships might flourish and how much better deal you could get on a new car.

Many will say that it’s impossible because there will be those that will lie anyway and that’s true, but how bout giving it a try. Let it begin with you and see if you feel better about yourself. Then begin to notice how often others lie and how unattractive it is.

Here’s a great little story on new techy lying:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061228/tc_nm/britain_lies_dc

I wish you all a Happy, productive, healthy and successful 2007, honest.

www.michaelontheair.com